Often people in toxic environments don’t realize how dysfunctional the people around them are. If you’ve spent a lot of time around your parent in the past, distancing yourself may provide some much-needed perspective on your situation. Try to establish relationships with other parent-type figures, such as aunts, uncles, grandparents, and close family friends. For example, when you spend some time apart from your mother and find other sources of support, you might recognize how little support she provides. Or, even more, you might notice that she not only doesn’t offer support but requires it from you.
Avoid holding out hope that your parent will see their mistakes and work with you to repair the relationship. If they were going to change, they would have done it a long time ago. Don’t think that distancing yourself will miraculously change them, for instance. You need to be okay with getting time and space for your own emotional well-being–not simply to force them into changing.
For instance, if you catch yourself thinking “I’m nothing but a burden,” shut that thought down and recognize where it is coming from, such as by saying to yourself, “Those are my mother’s thoughts, not mine. ” Then, replace the thought with, “I help my friends when they need it, and I’m productive at work. ” Make a list of all your best attributes and slide it into your wallet or post it on your bathroom mirror. Review the list whenever you start doubting your abilities.
Several healthy habits that can make a big difference in the way you feel include eating a clean diet, getting eight hours of sleep every night, and getting some exercise most days of the week. You can take care of your emotional health by meditating, writing in a journal, or working on a creative hobby. Make sure to spend plenty of time around positive people who value you for who you are.
Talk to your family doctor in order to receive a referral for mental health therapist who can help with your circumstances.
It might help to write out a pros and cons list. Write out all the benefits of getting distance with your parent versus any disadvantages you can think of. You might include pros such as “Peace of mind,” while cons might be “Missing their presence. "
For instance, don’t stay overnight at your parent’s house and don’t let them drive you places. Consider meeting them in public instead of at home, so they’ll be less likely to say or do something hurtful.
For instance, if your mother is criticizing the way you’ve redecorated your house, you could redirect the conversation by saying, “I like how the living room looks now. What did you do last weekend?” Make sure that you always have an exit line or exit strategy to help you in these types of situations.
For example, say something like, “Dad, it’s not okay with me that you insult my husband when he’s not here. I need you to stop doing that around me, or I’ll have to leave. ” Only set consequences that you can enforce. For instance, don’t threaten to leave unless you are prepared to do so.
Your parent might try to test your boundaries to see if you really mean what you say. If your parent repeatedly disrespects your boundaries and seems unwilling to make an effort to cooperate, consider decreasing or ending your contact with them.
Take the initiative and join groups, classes or activities with people who have similar interests as you. Introduce yourself and ask questions about them. Choose to be with people who value your presence and who make you feel good about who you are as a person.
If you discover that you have some toxic friendships, it’s probably best to distance yourself from those people. Listen to your instincts when selecting new friends. Do you often feel uncomfortable, pressured, or frightened around them? Do they shame you into doing things you don’t want to? Stay away from these types of people.
Having a few learned toxic behaviors doesn’t mean you’re a toxic person, especially if you are willing to work on making changes.
