When speaking with those you gossiped with, be sure to include something along the lines of “It was wrong of me to say what I said. No one deserves to be spoken of poorly behind their backs, and I regret doing so. Please do not define your perspective of this person by my words. ” Further, ask whomever heard you gossip not to repeat what you said. Point out something like “It was wrong of me to say what I said, and I sincerely hope you choose not to repeat it. " If you lied or embellished something, stress that what you said was not only inappropriate, but dishonest or inaccurate.
Concern about getting caught should not be the reason you reach out or apologize. Rather, your contact should be guided by genuinely apologetic sentiments, and your recognition of the potential hurtfulness you may have caused.
Say something like, “I wanted to let you know that I said something negative about you the other day, and I feel terribly about it because it doesn’t reflect how I actually feel about you. ” If they ask questions, answer them honestly. Don’t try to downplay what you said.
Be clear about how you’re feeling; “I know I violated your trust, and I hope I can earn it back. ”
Consider how you would feel if the situation were reversed. If they don’t have much to say, or become upset, reiterate your apology. Say something like “I’m really sorry, and I hope I have to chance to repair any damage I’ve done to our relationship. I understand why you’re upset, and am happy to give you space in the meantime. ”
At some point when you have privacy together, say something like “I hope there’s not still any negativity between us. It feels like there might be, and I’m wondering if there’s anything I can do to regain your trust?”
If possible, evaluate most of what you say before saying it, by asking yourself: Is what I’m about to say true? It is worth saying? Is it kind? You’ll likely notice yourself saying a lot less generally, and will stop gossip well before it leaves your mouth. Especially in the context of group discussions, take a minute before chiming in to think about what you might want to add.
Say things to friends and co-workers like, “Hey, did you hear that Gary kicked a home run in every kickball game so far this season!?” Similarly: “Becky has really been going above and beyond the last few weeks. If you’ve noticed too, make a point to thank her for effort next time you cross her path. ”
Was there a specific thing that the person you gossiped about did recently that you didn’t like? Are you angry or annoyed with them for any reason? Is this the first time you’ve spoken about them negatively, or has this happened before? If you’ve spoken poorly of this person before, recognize that your behavior may indicate negative feelings towards them that you should address.
Be honest with yourself. You likely already know whether you were intentionally trying to disparage someone’s image. If this is the case, you need to address either your own feelings about this person or the relationship you have with them. If you truly do not harbor animosity towards the person you gossiped about, you may have simply been trying to “fit in. ” Another source of gossip is the temptation to share information that will get you attention. If this may be why you’re saying negative things about other people, the issues you need to address are more personal.
Feeling resentment towards the person not only increases the chance that you might engage in further gossip, it can also cause you frustration until you resolve these feelings. Try to identify the reason why you said what you did. For example, do you really dislike the person? If so, why? Were you feeling jealous? Do you disagree with the person on certain things? To overcome negative feelings about what happened, try talking to the person about why you said what you did. For example, you might say something like, “I think I said that about you because I was feeling jealous of your recent promotion. ”
In other words, you may be gossiping for the sake of impressing or amusing others – potentially without even realizing it. Lots of people struggle to develop and maintain self-confidence, and almost everyone falters from time to time. However, don’t let insecurities continue to affect your behavior. Set up a time to meet with a therapist soon.
