Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family? Put down your accomplishments or discourage your goals? Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions? Use intimidation, guilt, or threats to gain compliance? Tell you what you can and can’t wear? Tell you what you need to do with your hair? Tell you that you are nothing without them, or they are nothing without you? Treat you roughly without your consent - grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you? Call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be? Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you? Blame you for how they feel or act? Pressure you sexually for things you aren’t ready for? Make you feel like there “is no way out” of the relationship? Prevent you from doing things you want - like spending time with your friends or family? Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to “teach you a lesson”? Deliberately ignore you at times (not making eye contact, etc. ). [2] X Expert Source Allison Broennimann, PhDClinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 29 December 2020.
When you’re being controlled or manipulated, it’s usually through half-truths or omissions, not outright lies. There’s just enough weirdness to make you stop and think, but not quite enough to get you to re-evaluate the entire relationship. [3] X Research source If this happens more than once, STOP and remind yourself that this isn’t the first time you’ve had this reaction. Start analyzing discrepancies between what your spouse/significant other said and what your friends say. If there are a lot of them, call them out on them. If their reaction or answers don’t satisfy, it is time to re-evaluate in a major way. [4] X Research source
Controlling people love to make tension and drama. They’ll stir up the pot by pushing people, acting passive aggressive, and initiating conflict. Then, like “innocent” little children by a broken lamp, they’ll put their hands up and blame it on your friends and family. It’s much easier for them to control you when you’ve decided there is too much tension between your loved ones and your mate, and soon, you have no one but him/her to turn to.
Check for subtle signs of disrespect. For instance, does your partner leave messes and expect you to clean them up?[5] X Expert Source Allison Broennimann, PhDClinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 29 December 2020.
At this point they may even tearfully say they want your help to change, particularly if you have let them know that you will not tolerate such things again. They may bring you lavish gifts and attempt to sweep you off your feet again. It’s up to you whether to give them a second chance or not. If they betray your trust again, though, cut through the crap and cut them out of your life.
Let’s be honest: sex clouds your judgment. Remove sex from the equation immediately. It should never be the only reason you’re with someone. It doesn’t matter how hot they are.
Feel scared of how your partner will act, or react. Feel responsible for your partner’s feelings. Make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior. Believe it’s all your fault. Avoid anything that causes conflict or makes your partner angry. Feel like your partner is never happy with you. Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want. Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up.
Does this person bring out your best or worst traits? You want to love yourself at all times – because you’re awesome. If you don’t feel great, it’s likely because their negative energy is sucking you down to their manipulative level. Be aware of the way they behave with your family and friends, especially if they antagonize them, argue with them, or talk crap about them constantly. If you decided it is just “easier” to ignore your friends and family, you’ve let the manipulating monster win. It’s time to break this toxic relationship off.
Do you find yourself apologizing or defending your significant other’s behavior toward you? You shouldn’t have to defend a relationship with someone – they should be good enough for you that it is obvious why you’re together. Are you hiding things from people? You should have privacy, of course, but you shouldn’t be hiding a monster under the bed. The problem isn’t keeping it a secret, it’s that you are dating someone so terrible you have to keep a secret in the first place. Do you always do what they want, instead of you? You don’t date someone because you want another boss in your life, do you? You have a right to your opinion, and you have a right to have your opinion respected – forget about people who don’t oblige. Have you lost touch with your old friends and family? No matter how in love you are, you should never feel like you’re cut off from old pals because of your new flame. They’re trying to isolate you because you’re easier to control – especially if they’re always throwing shade on your friends and family.
You have to acknowledge that they are using your love for them against you to keep you trapped in the relationship. You are not at fault for loving them. They are at fault for using your love as leverage.
